Save the Stand-Ups!
My fellow Americans-

Tonight I come to you with a desperate plea for help. There is a tragedy going on around us, one that we can help prevent if we are willing to try. I beg only a moment of your time.

Earlier today, I walked into the Iowa Book and Supply store in Iowa City, Iowa, one of the more popular book stores near the University of Iowa campus. I walked in looking for a soda; what i found was a travesty. Like many other patriotic book-stores in the area, Iowa Book began selling "I Am America (And So Can You)" on Tuesday. They even have a cardboard stand-up of Steven Colbert, posed on the landing of the staircase to the basement where they keep the books. Seeing it there made me proud to be an American.

I asked about the stand-up while talking with one of the workers there; that's when I discovered a horrible truth. Our conversation had turned to discussion of what would happen to the cardboard monument after the book's promotion cycle had ended. The worker's reply chilled my bones, and I will remember it until the day I die:

"Well, in all likelyhood, it'll probably just go in the recycle bin like the other stand-ups we get."

I couldn't believe my ears. I nearly fell to the floor in shock. They were going to take a pristine paper-and-glue representation of the most patriotic man in America, the only speaker of truth in an era of darkness, and toss it back to the hippies who wanted to see if it would grow a new tree. I was infuriated, but I hadn't yet bought my soda, so I was forced to keep my outrage to myself. Needless to say, before asking the store, I asked if a note could be left for the manager that I was interested in keeping the stand-up; I'll be hearing from them tomorrow on the matter.

My fellow Americans, I may have managed to save one of our priceless national treasures, but I have no doubt that there are other stores in the world that would be just as careless, no doubt a leftist plot to undermine our national sense of pride and respect. I, for one, suggest that we take a stand against this. I challenge all true Colbert fans to head to their nearest book store as soon as possible and see if they have one of these sacred, irreplacable, specatcular two-dimensional representations of freedom and American values.

No, I'm not talking about the flag. I'm talking about the stand-ups.

Go down to the bookstore. If you haven't bought the book, buy it. If you have bought the book, buy a second copy and sell it to a friend for a marked-up price in support of capitalism. And then ask about the cardboard Steven Colbert stand-up. If noone else has taken it already, then I believe it is your patriotic duty to stand up and make sure these thin statues find a home. I've seen the posts from other people who have taken the initiative and grabbed up their own already, and while I salute their efforts, we must admit that none of us is as powerful as all of us. Together, we can help save as many of them as possible from a fate worse than death: re-use by nature for the making of new life.

Sincerely and Full of Patriotic Ferver,
Ghodamus

(Note: C'mon guys, you know it's a joke, and I couldn't help but get into it. But seriously, pick these things up!)